You Can Call Me Harry
by Bluest inkwell
Summary: Songfic Angst. Harry is spending some time before going back for another year at Hogwarts at the Order HQ. He's out for a walk when he starts to think about Sirius.


Disclaimer: Hi. I don't own Harry Potter, the characters of Harry Potter, or the Ideas of Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does. I also don't own the song "You Can Call Me Al", or the lyrics of said song. Paul Simon does. I make no profit from this fanfiction, and only do it for the joy of writing. I am poor. Please don't sue me.

((AN: Harry returning for his 6th year at Hogwarts, reminiscing over the death of Sirius. I realize that all of you fangirls out there don't accept that Sirius is dead. I realize she never said out of dialogue "…and Sirius died…" so please don't get angry at me and post nasty notes on my fanfiction saying that he isn't dead.))

**You Can Call Me Harry**

Harry Potter wandered down the street in front of the Order headquarters. His whole chest hurt. It was like someone had cut open his ribs and stabbed him in the heart. None of the pains he had in his forehead from Voldemort even compared to the heartache that he was suffering now. Sirius, the only person that he had ever been able to consider as real family was gone forever. He was gone, and Harry was never going to see him again. He was never going to come out from behind that tapestry. Now all of the family that Harry had ever had was gone forever.

He wasn't going to let this get to him. He wasn't going to let the pain in his chest get to him. He had too many things to do in his life to let this one thing destroy him. He had to keep going to school where the teachers might feel sort for him, but weren't going to lower their work load. He had to keep preparing to fight Voldemort, because he was the only one who would. He had to keep going back, knowing that Cho was never going to want to be with him after that little spat that they had. His life was far too hard for him to allow his heart to continue to slow him down.

_A man walks down the street,  
He says, why am I soft in the middle now,  
Why am I soft in the middle the,  
Rest of my life is so hard._

He wanted more than anything to be a normal boy like he had been back on Privet Drive, before he knew anything about this whole other world of wizards and magic. Sure he had hated that life and wanted nothing other than to leave and run away, but he wanted to go back to that blissful ignorance when he thought that the Dursleys were his only family. That may not have been the best life in the world, but it was better than losing all of his family like he seemed to have been doing ever since.

_I need a photo-opportunity,  
I want a shot at redemption,_

He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to let anyone else end up like Sirius and his parents had. It wasn't going to happen. His life had to have more meaning to it than to just stand and watch while all of the people he cared about died around him. Who would he lose next? Ron? Hermione? He wouldn't allow himself to lose them. He wouldn't be the one to watch as they were buried and then have to explain to their parents that they dies because of him…just like Sirius.

He heard a dog in the distance, coming up fast. It was dark with night. There was no way that he was going to be able to get back to the headquarters before this possibly wild dog caught up to him. He was doomed if it was a wild or vicious dog. There was nowhere to go. Not that it mattered. It would be perfect irony for him to die to a dog after surviving who knew how many direct attacks from Voldemort.

_Don't want to end up a cartoon,  
In a cartoon graveyard.  
Bone digger, bone digger,  
Dogs in the moonlight  
Far away my well lit door,  
Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly,_

It was a big black dog. Looked almost like Sirius had been when he was hiding himself as Snuffles. When he had been at Privet Drive he would have jumped at the chance to play with any dog. It would have brought wonder to his little eyes. Now it just brought pain, and the memories of someone that he would never see again. Sirius was gone, and this stray dog wasn't him. He wasn't coming back, no matter how much Harry wanted him to.

_Get these mutts away from me,  
I don't find this stuff amusing anymore._

Harry scratched the dog between the ears and looked up at the sky, "Sirius…why won't you come back? Why did you have to die? Why I have to lose my long lost godfather? Why did you have to go away?"

He sighed and continued to scratch the dog between the ears. There was no point in asking the heavens for some sort of answers. They would never give him anything. They wouldn't send Sirius as an angel let him talk. Not even just to say, 'Sorry, Harry' or 'Hi, Harry'. There was nothing so simple that they could just give him to understand. Instead it was all just a pool of sadness that he was given, sitting in his chest and building up there.

_If you'll be my bodyguard,  
I can be your long lost pal.  
I can call you Betty,  
And Betty when you call me,  
You can call me Al._

Harry knew what he needed. He needed the kind of devotion to something that Hermione had to her studies. He needed to find something that he would be able to so completely immerse himself into that he would be unable to think of anything else and wouldn't be able to feel this pain anymore. He needed to get his mind off of all of the suffering that he felt without Sirius. He needed something to keep his mind from wandering onto the topic of Sirius. He needed something to keep him from thinking too much on the subject so that he'd be able to sleep at night without the scene playing through his head over and over again.

_A man walks down the street,  
He says, why am I short of attention,  
Got a short little span of attention,  
And all of my nights are so long._

"Where are all of my family members? All of them keep dying. Where do they go?" He looked at his hands. He had no idea what was going to happen and what had happened to everyone that he loved. His parents were gone, his godfather was gone…he was all alone…the last Potter.

He closed his eyes. What if he were to die right now and right here? No one would cry for him. He didn't have anyone left to cry over him. He'd be buried, just like his mother and father. He still wasn't sure what had happened to the body when Sirius had died. It had just gone. The life and the body of Sirius were gone.

Who was he going to look up to now? Who was he going to see as a father figure? Sirius was gone and now he was completely alone. Who was left for him to follow the example of? Dumbledore? Who was he going to look up to and ask for help when he needed it? Who was he supposed to look forward to living with when he graduated from Hogwarts and was a full fledged wizard? What was he going to do now that Sirius was gone?

_Where's my wife and family?  
What if I die here?  
Who'll be my role model,  
Now that my role model is,  
Gone, gone,_

Harry wasn't even going to have anything to take his mind of it. Girls would have been the biggest thing to take his mind off of the loss of Sirius. Just like how he hadn't been able to think of much other than Cho when he had seen her on the field and fallen in love with her. That was the sort of thing that he needed. Another Cho that he could fall madly in love with and keep hid mind off of the death of Sirius because of. He needed to find someone that he could stare at from a distance and would never notice. Better yet, he needed to find someone who would stare right back…

_He ducked back down the ally with some,  
Roly-poly little bat faced girl._

He had lost his godfather, all because he hadn't thought to act. There had to have been something that he could have done in order to save him. He was after all the teacher of Dumbledore's Army. He was the great Harry Potter. He was the boy who lived. How could he be so great and then not be able to save his own godfather? How was that possible?

Sirius had been treated like a villain and a criminal for so long. It was all so stupid. Even after he had escaped and met up with Harry and all of them, he was viewed as a criminal and a villain. Snape even felt that Sirius was a criminal in some way. It was completely unfair and stupid to point at Sirius and just say, 'look, it's Sirius Black. He's the bad guy'. It was just wrong and Harry was never going to get over how he had died and no one would ever know that he was a hero. No one would ever know that he hadn't been the villain that everyone had painted in their minds.

_All along and along  
There were incidents and accidents,  
Hints and allegations._

Harry Potter was tired of being the boy who lived. He was tired of being the name that everyone knew, the face that everyone could point out in a crowd. He was tired of his life, and the stupid scar on his forehead. He was tired of being some sort of superhero. He didn't want to live as the center of attention anymore. It wasn't the life that was suited to him. He had spent his entire childhood being stuffed into a closet while people pretended he didn't exist. Then suddenly he had been pushed into a world where everyone knew his name and everyone stopped to look at him hoping that they would never be able to forget that face, and sometimes to get his autograph.

_If you'll be my bodyguard,  
I can be your long lost pal.  
I can call you Betty,  
And Betty when you call me,  
You can call me Al.  
Call me Al._

He remembered how he had felt when he had been dropped into that world where everyone stopped to look twice at him. Once just because he was there, the second time because they realized who he was. He remembered walking through Diagon Alley wondering how everyone knew him, and wondering why no one would tell him. He wanted to just go back in time and when he felt that feeling turn and run. This magic world was too strange for him, and him being there, seeing everything new wasn't what he needed at that point in his life. He had too many questions, and then he had gone into this world of magic, and he had ended up with his. More heartache.

_A man walks down the street,  
It's a street in a strange world,  
Maybe it's the third world,  
Maybe it's first time around,_

He had no idea what everyone was talking about. He had no idea what the money was like, and was completely shocked to find out that he was rich. He was surrounded by noises and words that he had never heard, things that he had never even imagined, and so many people his age that it just blew hid mind. It was astounding and had pulled him right in. He had been caught by their daring little trap and pulled into a world that said they loved him while they all secretly hated him and wanted to kill the people that he cared about. He was pulled into a world filled with false hopes where he could almost reach true happiness, just before it was pulled violently away.

_Doesn't speak the language,  
He holds no currency,  
He is a foreign man,  
He is surrounded by the,  
Sound, Sound.  
Cattle in the marketplace,  
Scatterings and orphanages,_

He was finally where he had been walking to. He had seen the church at the end of the street before, but had never had the chance to go there. There was a statue of an angel over the large, oak, double doors that led into the church. He hadn't been a very religious person, especially since he had discovered the world of magic. It just seemed silly to think that there was some almighty force guiding all of them to where they were supposed to be. It seemed stupid to think that some divine entity was what made the world turn.

He slowly walked between the pews up to the alter. He kneeled down and put his hands together in front of him, "I'm sorry, Sirius…I'm sorry that I couldn't save you…I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough…please forgive me…"

_He looks around and around,  
And sees angels in the architecture,  
Spinning in infinity,  
He says, Amen! Halleluiah!_

Harry kept his eyes closed and remained in that position for a nice long time. He wanted to hear some sort of answer. He wanted to maybe see Sirius standing there and telling him that is was alright. He wanted to be told that he was forgiven, or hear Sirius laugh and tell him that there wasn't anything to do. He wanted to hear something. He wanted to hear anything, just as long as it had something to do with Sirius. Even a dog howling somewhere, just to tell him that Sirius had heard him.

_If you'll be my bodyguard,  
I can be your long lost pal.  
I can call you Betty,  
And betty when you call me  
You can call me Al._

Nothing happened. There were just some things that magic couldn't fix.

((AN: Well, I am pleasantly surprised at how easy that was. I've never done a songfic before…I don't know if I did it right, but yeah…kind of interesting how I took a song with an upbeat tune to it and turned it into dark depression angst.))


End file.
